Fresh..

     People say write what you know. Well, here's what I know..
     What I need is to begin again. Well not really start over, but what is the wording? Ah yes. A fresh start. I found or rather I find myself breaking the surface. Literally I have moved into a place in my life I have never been nor am likely to ever be again. And I have decided I am most definetly not the girl I was six months ago, so in a way that was a new begining.
     Six months prior to where I am now, I was a sad and lonely girl. I was walking in the dark and running far away from the promises of light. Somewhere down the line all that changed, I fell down a hole. But I am no Alice and I did not find Wonderland; I found someone more beautiful. I closed my eyes and the dam that was holding back a decade worth of tears broke open.  It is no jest when I say I cried more than I may have cried in my life- and that is saying a lot.
     There are stories about princesses trapped in high towers waiting for a prince to rescue them. I was kind of like that. Only, I did not consider myself a princess. The tower I built myself, brick by brick. And I did not expect to be rescued, least of all by a prince. I went and hid in my self build confines and thought no one could see me, then no one could find me. I thought nothing could break me. Or break in.Those kind of stories involve hateful and wicked parents, dreadful siblings. A horrible home life. My family was none of that, though perfect we were not but were not as bad as all that. I will admit we may have had a few bad years, however I will not go as far as to say I had a horrible home life.
     I do not really know what kick started my personal spiral down. I remember being very young, when cornstalks were my jungle and grandmas closet was like my own dress-up wardrobe. I remember moving near the ocean and deciding I would be a mermaid when I grew up. I also remember watching the stress and the cracks set in. Financial strain, it effects us all.
     I recall moving to the place some nicknamed "Misery." And calling it that let in a whole load or troubles. I broke my arm the first day in this brand new place and with it broke something in a different realm. It was only the begining of attacks in a land of giants. I remember that, saying there were giants in the land and that we couldn't back down. I gave hope to them but kept none for myself.What I do not remember is hitting the bottom, the moment we finally broke. Maybe we never actually fell to peices, it just felt that way. I honestly cannot recall when it all faded from black and white into gray. I just remember it felt like we kept taking one hit after another. A lot of those memories tend to blur together. And I think I prefer it that way. Who would want to clearly remember every hard and difficult moment?
     I know one day I fell down and I decided would not get back up until I was sure I would not fall again. I put on a brave face, held my head high and kept my chin up. I was a good little soldier.The cracks got larger and the attacks from the enemy kept coming. I saw what had to be done. I saw that we were all hurting. I saw I could not tend to my battle wounds because they would only come back. And I left my heart out in the cold.
     I did what I could, or rather what I thought was right. I kept all the cracks together. I took all their burdens and carried them on my shoulders. If no one else could or would do it then I could give it a try. And I did. When the enemy swung again I stood in the line of fire and let it hit me instead of them. I tried to sheild them. But even I could not protect them from hurting me or each other. That's what happened, war came on the inside. So not only was I the brave little soldier, I was also the nurse tending to everyone elses hurt. I let them cry on my shoulders. I took their broken peices and did my very best to put them back together. But the enemy was to big and strong for this little girl.
     Sometime in the fight I forget what I was fighting for. I forgot what beauty truly means. I decided love did not care about me. And so I began building my tower, caging myself inside; only to be let out when a new wave of battle started up. I hid from the light, afraid it would burn if I let it touch me. Before I knew it I had hidden to far within my tower and chained myself to despair. I lost myself. And I could not find the way out. Little did I know light was creeping in. And so, like I said before, I closed my eyes and I let the tears fall.I thought one more time. Just one more time. I need to be strong. But I could be strong no more, because really I was and am very weak. I could carry no longer the burdens I had forced myself to bear.
     I sat in the darkest corner of my tower, crying and weak, and not expecting to be found. But I was found, though not by a prince. I was found by a King. Not only did He find me, He also found my heart. My heart that I had long ago abandoned. He brought my heart to me, and He had made it brand new. It was the same heart as before, but He peiced together what I could not.
     The King wiped away my tears, though He did not require of me to stop crying. For as long as I cried He sat with me. Sometimes He cried too. He also went about tearing down the walls of my tower; He tore it how I built it- brick by brick. I tried to run away when I thought His back was turned, but I found I could not. Could I really leave Him after all He has done for me, after He refused to leave me? The King found me again, this time in the ashes of what had been my tower and my life.
     He lifted me out of the ashes and carried me away. He clothed me with a robe of beauty, and when I got angry and tore it to shreds He gave another one. My King is so patient with me. All at once He told me I had to stop mourning over all that was. Then I felt something I had not felt for a very long time. Joy. He gave me joy and filled me with light. The King did soemthing then I did not expect. He called me beautiful. I may have cried again, but at least this time they were not tears of sorrow or suffering. Then He took me by the hand and  He taught me how to dance. And for the first time that I can really remember I felt peace inside me. I relished this time with the King and tried not to let it go.
     But now, I have entered into a new arena. It is my goal to sit at the feet of my King and lavish in His love. At times it is a hard thing to do out in the 'real world.' Attacks sometime fly my way, but I have learned that I cannot 'handle' them. I am not supposed to. I get to be weak, because I am weak. Though I know all of this and walk it out, most of the time, it does not make anything at all more easy or less hard.
     Every day I still remind myself to just breathe; I'm only human.That in the end it will all be worth it.That it is ALL for the pleasure of loving the One who gives me breath every morning (or afternoon in my case) when I wake up. That the pain and the trials are merely a momentary affliction compared to eternity with my King, for eternal delight.
     So as I sit here in the very presence of God and my heart is still beating, I find the one thing that satisfies. You see, I've always been searching. When I ran away and built that tower, when I closed my eyes and waited for the end to come I was always searching. I know how miniscule I am, and not just me- the entire universe is so very small. And as my heart grows in love, the world grows smaller. In this little world where a growing girl is searching, she found what she was looking for and what she wasn't. And nothing would ever be the same.
     Because now that I know the joy of being lovesick, I will not give it up.I won't stop fighting to keep it. My circumstances may be easier than some and harder than others but it will not stop me from being lovesick. I will admit when I started writing this I did not know where it would take me. I was still searching. But part of finding what you are looking for is the journey itself. THE PROCESS, as they say.
     It's clishe but, I like to think of myself as a bird that has been caged for to long. A bird that was told it was plain, but is finding her feathers shine bright. A bird that was told she could not sing, but is finding the song in her heart. A bird that was told she could not fly, but has been set free and is now ready to spread her wings. And though I am not sure where I am flying to, I will fly wherever the Son goes.
     I do not know what I was looking for just that I was searching and I found something. I am still stumbling across new things almost daily, which is good for my abounding curiousity. I certainly was not looking to find myself yet I did. And I most definetly was not looking to be found, but I was. Sometimes I do and will most likely in future hate the circumstances. At times I hate where I am at, what I am doing, and who I am. But if I did not hate then I would not have the oppurtunity to change. I would not have the choice to love. And really, it is all about the choice. The choice to fall away, die daily, abandon sanity and let love win.
     Now, what was it I said, "I need a fresh start." Well, that may or may not happen right now. Who knows? I do know that several pages later I have reached a conclusion and with it an end. And is not ending really begining? Because with an ending comes a new begining.

peace and cheese
~>darkyetlovely<~